Team Red is one of the two entrenched parties in American politics and along with Team Blue have tilted the field to virtually block the entry of any other party to the party.

Political Philosophy

The Real political philosophy of Team Red is to get Team Red players into power and keep them there. They will blow the Religious Right, pander to the Libertarians, suck up to business and do anything necessary to get elected.

Their stated political philosophy is much different. They style themselves pro family values (as defined for them by said Religious Right, see Moral Mafia), they are Pro business (deregulation), pro defense (spending),anti tax (the rich), and will state they are pro liberty while calling for greater security. You can always count on one of them to be the dead elephant in the room if a threat of bi-partisan action arises.


Rich white guys, religious moralists, people that sit on sticks, Business types that don't want to be responsible for what they are responsible for, Lockmart.


The Gay Olde Party began its proud tradition by plunging the nation into four of the bloodiest years of war it has ever seen...with itself. They quickly learned that to keep in power you needed to have bloody wars with brown people, or attack people without money. Better yet conscript people without money to attack brown people. Two problems, one solution. They continually beat on family values, and keep beating because they just will not die. Indeed they are constantly surprised to find that people expect them to personally uphold the values they want everyone else to have. How unreasonable.

Current Events

Team Red is on the edge of destruction from pandering to their "core" AKA the religious right. In the 2012 election cycle five of the candidates claimed God told them to run. God didn't let any of them win. Fickle guy. It has been splintering and ankle biting over the runaway success of Team Blue and the tech boom.

With 2016, "The Crazy" gripped the Reds like nothing else. Such things as claiming the United States will invade the United States (Texas) with the aid of Allion's and the Chinese Red Army in Exile...With a perfectly straight face. Moderates are peeling off in droves headed for Team Scarlet and a degree of sanity. The other direction is headed to Team Maroon.

Pundits are predicting that Team Red will not last two more election cycles.

Noted Persons

  • Mitt Roony -- Massachusetts former Governor that did typically Team Blue stuff like health care. We thought he was the crazy one. Has pulled himself on track with the Team Red talking points.
  • Billy Bob Hawkins -- Texas senator. Senior, sensible by Team Red standards.
  • Michelle Lionel -- Shrill moralist that took her marching orders directly from God. Out of public life, now known to be a mouse..
  • Ron Peter -- Has left public life to pursue making more money on public life.
  • Ted Crude -- One of a dozen presidential hopefuls. More Maroon than red.
  • Chris Crispy -- New Jersey Governor. No rights for the Poors. Holds grudges, ran for president. Currently under indictment. (Every politician deserves two terms....)

Other Political Parties

Team Red does not have the stage to itself. Also playing are: